The revealing of lies

Let’s see... My 1st day into this blogging crap. So what am I suppose to talk about? The conventional stuff of a typical Asian Teenager's life? "Dear Diary”? Hanging out? Crushes?

Am I suppose to tell the world my about? Let every single day of my life be scrutinized? Read? And commented on? Let strangers have read bedtime stories? Should I go to school the next day, to announce the Grand Opening of My blog (Written evidence of stuff I did)... Distributing the key of thrashing my privacy. Exposing Lies of My Life. Sins committed. Evil thoughts.
Cause when, U lie, U Cheat, U Swear, U Burn in hell. *SMIRKS* and when U Smoke, U Booze, U dope, U Rot in Hell.

Let’s see about that.

I guess this would be the beginning of a story. Of this messed up life I'm leading.

There are so many things about me. Unknown. Even to My best friend.

Should I blur them all out here? And regret, in the future when I’m exposed? What will people I know do about it? Would I get confronted?

I'm a different person to everyone. Putting on a Facade from time to time.

A good girl. A Cheap whore. A Rebel. A Good Citizen. A Bad student. An A* Student. A Wild Child. A Beautiful child. Every parent's nightmare. Every parent's dream.

What Am I? Exactly?

I lost my virginity at 14. How? I was raped? Did I tell anyone? No. Did I have Sex again? Yes, I did. With someone I loved? No. How many times? No idea. How many Guys? 2.

I always thought I would never practice pre-marital sex. Stay a virgin till the day I got married. I wouldn't want my future husband to think any less of me, would I? Would he? I want to marry into a Good family. A Good Guy. And have beautiful and lovely children. Is that what I want? Or what the society wants of me?

But at least till this day, I’m still preaching about this. To stay a virgin. I’m still in denial that I’m one.

I remembered my mum telling me once, "Kids born to non-virgin mothers are stupid." I believed. Did she say that to scare me? Prevent me from having sex? Or is that true?

I was raped, by a foreign student lodging at my house. A friend. On a single mattress. While his sister was just sleeping in the same room at that point of time. Did my screams not wake her up? Or was she too afraid of her brother? Okay, fine. I deserved it right? I was making out with him. Clothes were on. We were just kissing. He took it too far. Was a Miscommunication?

(At this point of time. I’m considering whether I should continue. What if I get expose? Would I get kicked out of school? Would my parents find out? What shame would I bring them???)

But I really need to tell someone, pour it all out. I can't write a diary anymore. No, not after daddy read them. I got hit. Slap on my face.

I still remember that night, dec 15 2007. He came into my room in the middle of the night. "So you have been lying to me.

Do you think I'm a fool? ", he shouted angrily.

"No, daddy. I never lie to you .I was really going out with Jamie the other day.” I said nervously. As I held on tightly to my blanket.

"Then what’s this? “He said as he held out my diary.

"I.... I... just wrote that.... “Before I could say a thing my dad's palm came flying on to my cheek.

Okay, so I lied. Come on?

If I told him I was going clubbing with a group of teenagers much older than me would he have said yes??? Which decent father would?

Of course, lied. I told him, I was going to a friend's chalet. But this isn't the only one incident that has leaded me to stop writing a diary or any of my thoughts down.

When I was 12, I was continuously "forced" to follow this tight schedule so as to achieve the best results I could to enter a "Top school" the following year. Going home immediately everyday after school, having the maid wait upon me at school, and escorting me home. 20mins for lunch, 30mins nap, wake up and u study and study. At 5pm, I get to choose either to have 30mins of T.V or Games. At that point of time, Neopets was the craze among my classmates. Competition to see who is the richest and stuff. But I never got to play the computer, unless its weekend and I did well in my assessment. So I decided to sneak and play the computer secretly at night when everyone was asleep.

To that. I have a confession to make too. Its betrayal right? But I was a kid. Anyway, I wrote about my tiring and bored schedule to my supposing understanding Chinese teacher. And about the computer games and lying. In what we called a journal. A few weeks later, while mom was checking my bag. She read my Journal. Found about me lying. I was being tugged down from the top of my double Decker bed and beaten up. Cane.Slaps.Kicks.

For that I’ll remember and caution anyone with secrets that can never be told to your family members. NEVER EVER WRITE THEM DOWN AND KEEP THEM AT HOME! A blog might be a wise choice. Maybe a stupid one. But at least no one would know.

For now. Its 2 in the morning. I’m going to sleep now.