No, its not you but me

Just woke up. Damned. The Sun is so hot. I hate going out when the Sun is So bright and Shiny. Its disgusting to get all sweaty and tanned.

Woke up.Checked my phone messages from him is ? The Guy that supposing was going to be my boyfriend. But he couldn't take my antics. My Rapid and fickle personality. But then again, he isn't my type of guy. He got tatoos.smokes.drinks.my age out back in school again. A private one. The thing is, He is taking his 'O' levels next yr. And he is 17 this yr. Why would a 12pointer like me,go out with a guy like him? I meant going out with him is enough lets not cross the line. He knows it.

He told," I like you. But I don't think I'm good enough for u"

The person he liked I guess wasn't the real me. No ones know the real me. The person he liked was me pretending me be a real me. I'm good with acting. I know what make ppl ticks. I know how to make someone like you. (I know I sound like a real BITCH here) ,(but I think any girl can do that, Knowingly. Unknowingly)

And I know that I can make any guy who goes out with me long enough to fall for me.

I knew he would. But I was really bored. My bestfriend was and still is attached and working , at the point of time. I couldn't find anyone to go out with. So he became a victim .

We hangout movies around in town chatting online.

How long? For about a continuous of a month plus.

1mth.Its quite enough time to get any simple guy to fall for U.

I saw it coming, but I was really so bored. I just tried to ignore the signs, of him about to cross over the lines.

But there is so much he didn't know about me. I'm not a VIRGIN. I have slept with more then 1 guy. Made out with countless girls and guys. Probably more then he did.

I have this soft spot for kissing girls. No idea why. But still I'm straight. But I don't mind making out with a pretty girl. Woohoo...

No, I'm not a lesbian. I have Long hair and Bosoms big enough to tell you that I'm a girl.

Most guys I made out with have told me that my skin is really soft and smooth. Even those, who view me as a good girl have told me looking at it is tempting to touch.

My mom's skin is better I think.

Okay, back to this boy.

Although, academia wise I'm much better then him . And maybe fianicially wise too. But beneath it all I think I'm more rotten then him morally.

What did he look upon me as? A goody girl.

That was what I chose to appear and look in front of him.

A good girl, so shy so pure. She would close her eyes at the slightest sight of his boxers showing. "eeking.. At his tattoos"

A girl with grades better then his. Lets see... He would be 19 when he enters poly. I would probably be in university by then. Which decent girl would bring a guy like him home? Would?

Come on.... Who would expect theirs parents to look upon on his tattoos as "BODY ART"? So what are my parents suppose to say ? "Wow, that's really a hell of body art!? That's so nice! I love it"... ??? Is this what people like him expect his in-laws or other to say?

I think any sane parents would warn their daughters of such characters.

Here, I'm talking about how rotten he is. What about me? I'm so rotten inside.

He said, "You changed, after that night. You are so fickle now." YOU keep changing your words"

What night was he talking about?

THAT NIGHT.

I shall talk about it another day.

The thing is . I have too many mask. Too many "me" Which "me" is he in love with ? Or does he like?

I cant help revealing another me sometimes?

2hrs already, still no msg from him. I guess he is really giving up on me.

But if I really liked him. I wouldn't have makeout with Patrick.(Just kissing and hugging) And when I did I totally forgot about him. After we "so called" agreed to be together.

O well.... I can't be bother with Jonathan anymore. I mean he is everything I wouldn't want in a guy.

Everything I wouldn't want. Yet, I want. A normal teenage life. Dating, catching movies together, strolling in town,studying together maybe chilling and hanging out.

But can I emphasize that he is a bad boy. NOT WHAT I WANT.

But after rejecting him, I felt this sharp pain in my chest. I felt bad. Really Bad for him. Why? But I didn't feel like crying. I feel so bad I would have agreed to be his girlfriend I would. But like he have narrated to me, most of his exs, were just for fucking their pussies. He even bath with them. So this fucker, is probably knocking on the wrong door.

I don't want to fuck for free. I want something in return. Does this sounds like I'm selling myself???

Gosh... There is so much contradiction here. And in me.

I don't want to fuck around. I mean no bad reputations. But maybe that will change? Who knows?

I miss his kisses. The smell of his hair.Hugging him. But no, I' m not in love. I'm not suppose to him. I've already broke this poor boy's heart.

He saw something in me he thought was different from those girls he had. Sluts people who call.

I come from a good family.Born with a silver spoon in my mouth good student. A traveler.

But I... I... Just can't reveal the real me to him. I can't its too painful. Betrayal. Heartbreak. That's how all relationships ends.

And like he said, "I'm horny."

Therefore, if I'm his girlfriend , his property. I would end up becoming his personal whore. Get laid by him. And maybe he would probably find out I'm not that of a good girl after all. And most importantly, a non-virgin. A liar.

A personal whore to a teenage boy ? A teenage boy living off his parents? No. I prefer not to.

I don't want to be remembered as a girl he laid.

I don't want to be walking down the street someday and having some tatooted guy pointing at me. "I FUCKED U!" No. I'm exerating? But Singapore this puny country of mine is so small. U will bump into someone you know some how one day.

Even the death of a bird in the zoo, is known to every citizen in Singapore. News.

I guess I have to just get over the fact that he is history.now. and that night was just a mistake of another drunk girl.

that faithful night.