A whore can fall in love too.

I never felt this way before. Maybe I did? I don't know. It feels so terrible. It feels worse then craving something. Seeing something you like but you can't and can never afford to buy, because you lost your wallet and spend your money on something else.

I think I was in love. I fell for Jonathan. Now that he is gone. He has flown and gone so far away.So far and beyond my clucthers. I didn't cherish him while he was around. All I thought about was money. But I was afraid . afraid that he would find our that I was a liar. I miss him.

The day we ate fast food. That was what he could only offer. But i felt it. I felt happy. The warmth.But i told myself it was only an illusion. Now, its only a memory. A broken one.

I'm going to embark on a new journey tomorrow. I'm ending my school semester. A new life. I can't afford think of him anymore.I can't.

I have to let go. He will only drag me down. Slow my pace of reaching my goal down. Kill me and suffocate me with his love.

But his love. Or maybe his like for me. WIll never be again. WIll never come back. I pushed it all away , while his arms were wide open to receive me. I probably just spinned him in another direction ... Broked his welcoming arm... So much ,so , he can never and never will be able to receive me again.

I have to move on. I have to study hard and work for that scholarship of mine. Any hiccups, I have to compensate for my bond and my scholarship. Which would cause me to become dependent on my parents again. I do not want that to happen.

I told him to tell me that he was over me . He was lying to me. I will embark on this new life of mine soon and he can't be a part of it. I want to make sure he really can't be a part of it.

I don't like draggy relationships. Time-consuming and Undefined.

I smsed him so many times. Telling him that he should forget me . And being and staying as friends is never the way.By staying as friends it won't help me get over or even forget him. Popping me an SMS now and then wouldn't help either. It would only hurt me further. Every SMS seems to be a glimmer or hope...

If my dog could talk

If my dog could talk.

I would probably be kicked out of home . Maybe not. But probably break my parent's heart till it reaches a point of even the strongest super glue in the world wouldnt even glue their hearts back. And trust.

My Dog. He is the one who knows it all and seen it all...

Me skipping school and going back home to nap? Change my clothes? Bringing along other school skippers home? Sneaking out at night? Returning Home Late , with reeks of alcohol on my clothes. Bringing guys home to make out with.

Me squatting in the garden, pretending to be gardening . In actual fact, chatting away on the phone.

Bringing him out on supposingly "Doggy walks" , which were merely excuses to meet up with friends.

Cookie... He is the Dog that knows it all.

Not bad for the first time

Where are you? Is late already you know?" , this were the extact same words dad SMS me . 26mins ago. Late? How Late was it? It was very late. Its 4am. I'm not Home. Where was I?

What was I doing?

I was whoring. Selling my Pussy juice to a man, 10yrs older then me. Yes, he is Patrick. The guy whose existence made me felt that Jonathan was merely just another weak, useless teenager.

How much is this Patrick guy paying me? I have no idea. I haven't got any cash from him yet. Except for Taxi fares. Would he be generous? Or would he be a stingy penny pincher? I don't know.

That we have to wait till the sunrise to know. When money is being transferred to my bank a/c . My bet for the amount he would be paying? Or the so called "allowance" less than $500. Does anyone want to take a bet on it???

Emm... Did we do it today? When I was over at his house? No, I did not. or rather we did not. This is the 3rd time we met up. 1st time just over coffee.2nd time we went to Mdm Wongs , and to his house.(kisses and Hugs only)

3rd time...This time... The Hugging felt good. Kissing? His breath... Smelt weird. This Kiss... This Kiss.... It felt weird. Weird. Its so different from kissing Jonathan. Why Jonathan? Because he was the last person I kissed prior to a girl. It felt so dry. Why is that so???

O yes, How it all started again this time? He was hugging me from the back , I could feel his dick hardening up my ass. Just as I expect any horny guy would do. They start trying to kiss you. And next your bosoms. Hands? Moved up down up down the back till they finally reached my ass.

Did I like him ? No, I doubt so. I like money. I love money. It makes me happy.

Where my heart was?

I think I left it with Jonathan. I think I actually liked him. As I was in the cab traveling down towards Patrick house, memories of me and Jonathan started flashing in front of me.

He was the key , the only open door for me to lead a normal teenage life again.

But I've gone so far. This feelings of mine. If I'm willing to let go the material world and think like a simple teenage girl. Would they ever be as pure as they were before? Can they be purified?

Can I let go?

I doubt so.

I'm starting to miss Jonathan. His company. Hanging out. Chilling. I think I'm. But I'm not sad at all. But I think maybe this is all fated. Just like Preston taking the exit door.

Back to Patrick, he was falling asleep and suddenly my phone started vibrating. "Home". Calling from home. Immediately, I knew that my father have found out of the missing of my presence. I jump out of bed looked my clothes and grabbed my bag.

"I'm so sorry, I got to go.", I said.

"why all of a sudden? ", he said as he jumped out of bed .

"I sneaked out.", I said as I put on my sneakers.

"You mean you are not suppose to come out at this time? Did I get you in trouble?I'm so sorry. You should have told me." ,said Patrick as he scratched his head.

"Its alright, goodbye! I'm so sorry I got to leave so early. So Sorry! " , I said as I stood by the lift.

Patrick stuffed some money on to my hand as I was about to enter the lift.

- that's how our 3rd meeting ended-

Let see... Whether this so called "relationship would continue to flourish, yes or no" tomorrow. If he does really keep his promise of money into my bank. After all its not like I can fall in love with him nor would he fall for me.

Before we started we have agreed and come to terms with how this relationship would go about. We did ? Didn't we?

No, its not you but me

Just woke up. Damned. The Sun is so hot. I hate going out when the Sun is So bright and Shiny. Its disgusting to get all sweaty and tanned.

Woke up.Checked my phone messages from him is ? The Guy that supposing was going to be my boyfriend. But he couldn't take my antics. My Rapid and fickle personality. But then again, he isn't my type of guy. He got tatoos.smokes.drinks.my age out back in school again. A private one. The thing is, He is taking his 'O' levels next yr. And he is 17 this yr. Why would a 12pointer like me,go out with a guy like him? I meant going out with him is enough lets not cross the line. He knows it.

He told," I like you. But I don't think I'm good enough for u"

The person he liked I guess wasn't the real me. No ones know the real me. The person he liked was me pretending me be a real me. I'm good with acting. I know what make ppl ticks. I know how to make someone like you. (I know I sound like a real BITCH here) ,(but I think any girl can do that, Knowingly. Unknowingly)

And I know that I can make any guy who goes out with me long enough to fall for me.

I knew he would. But I was really bored. My bestfriend was and still is attached and working , at the point of time. I couldn't find anyone to go out with. So he became a victim .

We hangout movies around in town chatting online.

How long? For about a continuous of a month plus.

1mth.Its quite enough time to get any simple guy to fall for U.

I saw it coming, but I was really so bored. I just tried to ignore the signs, of him about to cross over the lines.

But there is so much he didn't know about me. I'm not a VIRGIN. I have slept with more then 1 guy. Made out with countless girls and guys. Probably more then he did.

I have this soft spot for kissing girls. No idea why. But still I'm straight. But I don't mind making out with a pretty girl. Woohoo...

No, I'm not a lesbian. I have Long hair and Bosoms big enough to tell you that I'm a girl.

Most guys I made out with have told me that my skin is really soft and smooth. Even those, who view me as a good girl have told me looking at it is tempting to touch.

My mom's skin is better I think.

Okay, back to this boy.

Although, academia wise I'm much better then him . And maybe fianicially wise too. But beneath it all I think I'm more rotten then him morally.

What did he look upon me as? A goody girl.

That was what I chose to appear and look in front of him.

A good girl, so shy so pure. She would close her eyes at the slightest sight of his boxers showing. "eeking.. At his tattoos"

A girl with grades better then his. Lets see... He would be 19 when he enters poly. I would probably be in university by then. Which decent girl would bring a guy like him home? Would?

Come on.... Who would expect theirs parents to look upon on his tattoos as "BODY ART"? So what are my parents suppose to say ? "Wow, that's really a hell of body art!? That's so nice! I love it"... ??? Is this what people like him expect his in-laws or other to say?

I think any sane parents would warn their daughters of such characters.

Here, I'm talking about how rotten he is. What about me? I'm so rotten inside.

He said, "You changed, after that night. You are so fickle now." YOU keep changing your words"

What night was he talking about?

THAT NIGHT.

I shall talk about it another day.

The thing is . I have too many mask. Too many "me" Which "me" is he in love with ? Or does he like?

I cant help revealing another me sometimes?

2hrs already, still no msg from him. I guess he is really giving up on me.

But if I really liked him. I wouldn't have makeout with Patrick.(Just kissing and hugging) And when I did I totally forgot about him. After we "so called" agreed to be together.

O well.... I can't be bother with Jonathan anymore. I mean he is everything I wouldn't want in a guy.

Everything I wouldn't want. Yet, I want. A normal teenage life. Dating, catching movies together, strolling in town,studying together maybe chilling and hanging out.

But can I emphasize that he is a bad boy. NOT WHAT I WANT.

But after rejecting him, I felt this sharp pain in my chest. I felt bad. Really Bad for him. Why? But I didn't feel like crying. I feel so bad I would have agreed to be his girlfriend I would. But like he have narrated to me, most of his exs, were just for fucking their pussies. He even bath with them. So this fucker, is probably knocking on the wrong door.

I don't want to fuck for free. I want something in return. Does this sounds like I'm selling myself???

Gosh... There is so much contradiction here. And in me.

I don't want to fuck around. I mean no bad reputations. But maybe that will change? Who knows?

I miss his kisses. The smell of his hair.Hugging him. But no, I' m not in love. I'm not suppose to him. I've already broke this poor boy's heart.

He saw something in me he thought was different from those girls he had. Sluts people who call.

I come from a good family.Born with a silver spoon in my mouth good student. A traveler.

But I... I... Just can't reveal the real me to him. I can't its too painful. Betrayal. Heartbreak. That's how all relationships ends.

And like he said, "I'm horny."

Therefore, if I'm his girlfriend , his property. I would end up becoming his personal whore. Get laid by him. And maybe he would probably find out I'm not that of a good girl after all. And most importantly, a non-virgin. A liar.

A personal whore to a teenage boy ? A teenage boy living off his parents? No. I prefer not to.

I don't want to be remembered as a girl he laid.

I don't want to be walking down the street someday and having some tatooted guy pointing at me. "I FUCKED U!" No. I'm exerating? But Singapore this puny country of mine is so small. U will bump into someone you know some how one day.

Even the death of a bird in the zoo, is known to every citizen in Singapore. News.

I guess I have to just get over the fact that he is history.now. and that night was just a mistake of another drunk girl.

that faithful night.

The revealing of lies

Let’s see... My 1st day into this blogging crap. So what am I suppose to talk about? The conventional stuff of a typical Asian Teenager's life? "Dear Diary”? Hanging out? Crushes?

Am I suppose to tell the world my about? Let every single day of my life be scrutinized? Read? And commented on? Let strangers have read bedtime stories? Should I go to school the next day, to announce the Grand Opening of My blog (Written evidence of stuff I did)... Distributing the key of thrashing my privacy. Exposing Lies of My Life. Sins committed. Evil thoughts.
Cause when, U lie, U Cheat, U Swear, U Burn in hell. *SMIRKS* and when U Smoke, U Booze, U dope, U Rot in Hell.

Let’s see about that.

I guess this would be the beginning of a story. Of this messed up life I'm leading.

There are so many things about me. Unknown. Even to My best friend.

Should I blur them all out here? And regret, in the future when I’m exposed? What will people I know do about it? Would I get confronted?

I'm a different person to everyone. Putting on a Facade from time to time.

A good girl. A Cheap whore. A Rebel. A Good Citizen. A Bad student. An A* Student. A Wild Child. A Beautiful child. Every parent's nightmare. Every parent's dream.

What Am I? Exactly?

I lost my virginity at 14. How? I was raped? Did I tell anyone? No. Did I have Sex again? Yes, I did. With someone I loved? No. How many times? No idea. How many Guys? 2.

I always thought I would never practice pre-marital sex. Stay a virgin till the day I got married. I wouldn't want my future husband to think any less of me, would I? Would he? I want to marry into a Good family. A Good Guy. And have beautiful and lovely children. Is that what I want? Or what the society wants of me?

But at least till this day, I’m still preaching about this. To stay a virgin. I’m still in denial that I’m one.

I remembered my mum telling me once, "Kids born to non-virgin mothers are stupid." I believed. Did she say that to scare me? Prevent me from having sex? Or is that true?

I was raped, by a foreign student lodging at my house. A friend. On a single mattress. While his sister was just sleeping in the same room at that point of time. Did my screams not wake her up? Or was she too afraid of her brother? Okay, fine. I deserved it right? I was making out with him. Clothes were on. We were just kissing. He took it too far. Was a Miscommunication?

(At this point of time. I’m considering whether I should continue. What if I get expose? Would I get kicked out of school? Would my parents find out? What shame would I bring them???)

But I really need to tell someone, pour it all out. I can't write a diary anymore. No, not after daddy read them. I got hit. Slap on my face.

I still remember that night, dec 15 2007. He came into my room in the middle of the night. "So you have been lying to me.

Do you think I'm a fool? ", he shouted angrily.

"No, daddy. I never lie to you .I was really going out with Jamie the other day.” I said nervously. As I held on tightly to my blanket.

"Then what’s this? “He said as he held out my diary.

"I.... I... just wrote that.... “Before I could say a thing my dad's palm came flying on to my cheek.

Okay, so I lied. Come on?

If I told him I was going clubbing with a group of teenagers much older than me would he have said yes??? Which decent father would?

Of course, lied. I told him, I was going to a friend's chalet. But this isn't the only one incident that has leaded me to stop writing a diary or any of my thoughts down.

When I was 12, I was continuously "forced" to follow this tight schedule so as to achieve the best results I could to enter a "Top school" the following year. Going home immediately everyday after school, having the maid wait upon me at school, and escorting me home. 20mins for lunch, 30mins nap, wake up and u study and study. At 5pm, I get to choose either to have 30mins of T.V or Games. At that point of time, Neopets was the craze among my classmates. Competition to see who is the richest and stuff. But I never got to play the computer, unless its weekend and I did well in my assessment. So I decided to sneak and play the computer secretly at night when everyone was asleep.

To that. I have a confession to make too. Its betrayal right? But I was a kid. Anyway, I wrote about my tiring and bored schedule to my supposing understanding Chinese teacher. And about the computer games and lying. In what we called a journal. A few weeks later, while mom was checking my bag. She read my Journal. Found about me lying. I was being tugged down from the top of my double Decker bed and beaten up. Cane.Slaps.Kicks.

For that I’ll remember and caution anyone with secrets that can never be told to your family members. NEVER EVER WRITE THEM DOWN AND KEEP THEM AT HOME! A blog might be a wise choice. Maybe a stupid one. But at least no one would know.

For now. Its 2 in the morning. I’m going to sleep now.